I'd Rather Kiss a Pig

Ever since I worked at Reedley College and heard about their Baby Farm Animal event, I have wanted to be a part of it. I hinted around that I wanted my students to nominate me, but they said it wasn't any fun making someone they like do it. I even thought up a campaign slogan, "I'd Rather Kiss a Pig." No votes, not even a nomination.

However, I was able to initiate the contest four years ago at TC. The following is the story of Taft College's Kiss a Baby Farm Animal contest results.

My Little World

Kissing Contest

As we all know, "The best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray." Nevertheless, a good time was had by all, excepting Jeff Ross, who was a very good sport, to say the least. At the final tally, the three front runners were Jack Gallon with 84 votes, John Eigenauer at 122, and Jeff Ross who brought it home with 139 votes. I know what you are thinking and it’s not what you think. Actually, it is a virtuous exercise in the Democratic Process. I suppose I should give some background here.
During the first week of class, I have students introduce themselves. Justin McWilliams’s introduction ended with “I’m a pig farmer." To me, his declaration was as epic as “Middle-east declares unconditional peace,” because, during Spring Fling, the Psych Club sponsors the Kiss a Baby Farm Animal event to raise money for our annual schlep to the Western Psychological Association Conference, this year in Portland, OR.
The rules are simple—nominate a Taft College employee and vote for that person as many times as you like ($1.00 per vote). No amount of money will be refused. Vote early, vote often.
The hands-down, hardest part of the whole occasion is finding a baby farm animal. The first year we collected $500 from people who really wanted to see the President of TC (then Roe Darnell) kiss a bunny supplied by Shaw's, our own Western and Pet Supply Store. Roe was a trooper, smooching the cottontail twice for photographs. The next year, Jim Nicholas, Business Office Director, planted one on a kid (the goat kind, not the coed kind).
Last year the honor fell to Brock McMurray, Vice President Student Services. Now that was an event! Adrian Agundez, (Most Honorable Computer Guru) and Registrar Brian McKee were runners up in the competition, voting big numbers on each other and Brock. The spectacle was highlighted by Adrian's insistence that he had to leave and didn’t have time for games. However, he lingered long enough to stuff the ballot box with enough money to make Brock the landslide winner.
Returning to Jason’s introduction, naturally, as soon as class was over, I hit him up for a piglet. He hesitated just long enough to compute gestation periods and said “Yes!” He even kept me apprised of his sow’s condition.
Fast Forward to Spring Fling: Imagine Jeff Ross’s disappointment when there was nothing to kiss. Someone suggested Ginger, the campus mutt, who had mistakenly strolled into the festivities. She seemed like a fair compromise to most. Nevertheless, Jack Gallon had to ask if this the first time Jeff had kissed an older woman. (Much laughter here.)

About 20 minutes too late, I found Justin wandering around campus. He thought the pre-kiss haggling would take more time and did not want his piglet to be away from his mother any longer than necessary. (What a compassionate guy!) We showed his baby to students in the Spring Fling area, and then took it to the Academic Senate Meeting. Time was turned over to the piglet, whereupon, Jeff, good sport that he is, gave it a nice little kiss--not too much and not too little—and we called it a day.
As always, next year’s kissing critter will remain a mystery until the actual affair (pun not intended). It is the best kept secret on campus, but I have made a solemn vow that nothing with scales, a whip-like tail, or slit pupils will be used--only soft, cuddly animals with big brown eyes. If I were you, I’d make sure I was there. You won’t believe what I have lined up already. The End.

But wait, there's more. I had to kiss the baby too. So here is a picture of me actually kissing a pig. I'm living the dream.